Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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