The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
