just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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