Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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