Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
