I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize