what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
