dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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