I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
