It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
