I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
