Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
