it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
