I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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