you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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