everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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