How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i think im in europe. pls send help
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
