Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
