I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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