i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
