I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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