I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
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you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
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you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize