ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
