Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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