I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I currently don't understand fingers.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
