I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
