You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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