I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
