Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
