if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
