break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
