Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
