you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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