Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Randomize
