not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
