i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
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Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
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I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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