What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
