I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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