Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
