So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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