A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
