I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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