Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
