Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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