Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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