I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
