Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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