Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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