just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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