Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
