this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
