He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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