So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
