forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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