I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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