Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
